What does “Layers” mean for Frederick?
Aesthetic fitness lover and ornamental shrimp junkie
Current mantra:
“if I lose the first ten seconds, I lose the next ten hours”
Audio not available for this episode.
When we use language, we often mean different things because of different life experiences and life stories.
Frederick
What's my relationship with ENGLISH? I think it's a very broad question, but like what I mentioned previously, it shaped most of my childhood. So I think growing up, English is the one thing that I felt like I was any good at, or like I had some edge over other people, but that was in childhood especially, because that was one thing that I did not have to try or learn. I just had a grasp of the English language, but I guess when I grew older and I stopped reading, I stopped, um, like writing, stop reading and writing, that's, that's the two main things that really... I would say that I had a better grasp on the English language when I was younger, compared to now, like a normal, you know, like a normal person. But back then, I felt like I was light years ahead of everybody. Yeah, so I guess that's what... and also, I guess when I'm older, and I travel more, and I get exposed to people from other nationalities, and you meet up with, like, the real native English speakers, to me, it's like they have... it just comes much more naturally for them as compared to us. Yeah, because we are in a bilingual society. It's very different. The way they present information is much more clear, yeah. And also, there are many more, like, phrases and sayings that just inject some PERSONALITY into the whole thing. As compared to Singaporeans, I feel. Yeah. Singaporeans, we don't have that, you see. We don't have all the, like, the 50 yeara ago, kind of phrases that our forefathers used to use, and then we don't have that kind of depth in our English, yeah, so, so that's what I realized, and that's my relationship, I guess.
Darryl
When you say PERSONALITY, what do you mean?
Frederick
I guess it varies from country to country, but if you talk to people from the UK or from America, they have their own kind of isms, you know, like Singaporeanism -- it's also English, right? You compare it to UK or like America, there is just much more personality I feel in their English, the language alone. Yes, they are better able to express themselves in pure English as compared to us, I think that's what I meant. It's like we express ourselves like, with like, if you really feel excited about something, we like, we go. La lor, right? Yeah. But for them, it's different. For them, it's an English term, and they use it. I think it's just very interesting. And I also wish that I could communicate in that way, where you have that kind of... you just know, like, for example, when they open their mouth whether they're British, I mean, if you take away the accent, or, you know, or the way they dress, or whatever, just the things they talk about, and the way they talk about it, you know that they are British, or you know that they're American, or you know that they're European. It doesn't happen for Singlish. Yeah, it rarely happens for Singlish, I feel, unless they are familiar with Singapore, yeah, because I find that overseas, people don't really know what Singapore is, you know, unless they have a Singaporean friend like they, they might know what Singapore is, but they won't be able to place the accent, yeah. They might think that, oh, initially, you're from, like, general Southeast Asian area, but they won't say you're Singaporean, yeah. Then after you say that, they'll be like, oh, yeah, okay. Or they might think, you know, we are Malaysian, yeah, they can't really tell the difference.
Darryl
And what about PERSONALITY in general? That word.
Frederick
I think personality, to me, is basically what makes everyone unique from everyone else. They are your own quirks, your own... the little things that make you who you are, I guess. Personality, yeah, to me, personality is made out of many, many things. It could be the phrases or the words you always use, you know, to fill silences or that you go back to, or it could also be your accent. It could also be the energy that you bring to the conversation, to the interactions. Personality is also made up of how you treat other people, how kind you are, or how your emotional baseline... like how happy or sad or angry, or, you know, whatever emotion it is that you are on a daily basis. Yeah, I think it's many things, but yeah, it is made up of all these very different components.
Darryl
When describing personality, you said “how you treat other people”. Can you elaborate on that?
Frederick
I wouldn't say that personality is entirely about how one person treats another person, but the way they treat another person is a component of their personality. So personality is made of many things, right? But how they treat others is just a component of their personality. It's not the entire personality, I feel.
Darryl
How did you arrive at such a view of personality?
Frederick
I’ve always viewed it as a very zoomed out kind of thing. It's many things, you know, but I don't know why I would value the way one person treats another person, but I guess, it's because I've met people that have kindness as a trait, and then it shines through. And I guess it's just what you remember of that person, yeah, and when I remember something from a person that that is so prominent, like the way they treat others with kindness, if it strikes me in such a prominent manner, then I would... to me it's a personality trait.
Darryl
Do you have specific examples of that?
Frederick
I think most of them are friends that are working in social work and these are the people that strike me as... they have very kind or selfless personalities. I mean, the way that they live is a life that is so out of the ordinary in the sense that they are not chasing the same things as other people are chasing. They are not in it for the money. It's obviously not for the money. And they spend their days like everyday they are going out to, you know... some go out to find a client, to the homeless, or, you know, in a place where they need some government assistance. That's for the social worker side. Another few friends are working for rehab, and their job literally, is to administer, like the rehab program everyday. They are helping those drug addicts or people with mental issues. So to me, yeah, I guess those are the examples that I see and I admire and I guess that's why I view these things as personality traits. Because at the end of the day, when you identify something as a personality trait... a desirable personality trait is something that you always want to incorporate into your own personality, right? I would assume? If not what's the point of noticing these things? It's like, it's pointless, right? Unless you want to recognize the negative ones to purge it from your own personality, or you want to recognize the positive ones to incorporate into your own.
Darryl
Why do you equate “DESIRABLE” with “BEING NOTICEABLE”?
Frederick
I think it's quite natural that something desirable would be very noticeable to me, because naturally, if I desire something, I want to have it, as compared to when I don't desire something or I hate something, then I want that thing as far away from me as possible. People with undesirable personality traits are not people that I keep around so therefore, it's like everyone around me is someone that I desire to have around me so that I can, you know, assimilate their personality traits or enjoy the benefits of interacting with these people. Naturally, all the undesirable people... I mean, I don't want to be in contact with these people at all. I don't want to be in contact with, like, a very angry person, or, you know, someone who is always trying to cheat people.
Darryl
How did you arrive at this stance?
Frederick
If I had to really think about it, I think this stance is what most people experience, no? Yeah, I do feel like a lot of people feel this way as well, like they just want... it's like that study that shows that you are the sum of your five best friends, or three best friends, right? So I think humans naturally gravitate towards people that they want to be around, because you are, after all, whoever you hang out with. There must be an input to have an output, right? And what you're consistently inputting into yourself through your daily interactions, comes from the people around you. So like, what makes you an English major is because you are consistently inputting English in your brain and you are in that ecosystem of English majors, therefore you are an English major. I mean, that's how I view it.
Darryl
How do you define DESIRABLE TRAITS then?
Frederick
I would say that desirable traits to me would be traits that, like the person must have several… and these traits also must work towards goals that I have in life as well. So you must have multiple prongs, right? To be desirable. It cannot be, oh, I like happy people. But there are so many happy people in the world. How are you going to choose, you know? So I feel like especially now at this age, having gone through like quite a few friends already, you know who you value as well, I would say. And it comes with experience, right, like your knowledge grows about how people are, and you stop valuing the things that you used to value when you were... let's say when I was 15 years old, I used to value people that, wow, they were loyal, they were like, brotherhood, that kind of thing. But it was very shallow, because when you look at it now, now that I have the knowledge of how people are... like there actually are people that were so called loyal, or whatever. But were they intelligent? Or was that like a mask that they put on to use me for other purposes, you know? So there are layers upon layers. And I guess, yeah, I guess that really formed the way that I pick my friends now, and I would say the friends around me now are people that I know very well, or at least I think I know very well. So they are people that do not pose a threat to me. They are people that... or even if they pose a threat, it wouldn't like end my life or destroy my goals kind of thing, you know? It's more like, okay, maybe they are a threat to themselves or whatever. Or like, they might be a threat to society, but it doesn't affect me.
Darryl
You mentioned about “LAYERS”. Could you say more?
Frederick
It gets a bit more complex now, because, back when I was younger, I would say that my view of the world was more straightforward in a sense that when someone presents that they're loyal, they're caring, they're kind, in my 15-year old brain, it would automatically register that that person is really being loyal, caring, and kind. But now that you're older, you realize that certain people... maybe that's why I'm also a bit interested in psychology, or to look into human nature, because some people just present those traits, or rather, maybe most people try to represent certain traits upfront to cover for something at the back. I feel that is quite common for everybody, including myself. So first impression, or even for the first few weeks or months... you rarely come across truly authentic people, I would say? Probably because the way like... we are a first-world society, after all. So there is that pressure, right? And we are an Asian first-world society, which is different from America, where they always value like the individualistic, the individual, you know, values like the unique individual, how you can outshine the rest by showcasing your own qualities. But in Singapore, it's different. Singapore, you're supposed to beat down those unique qualities, you know? You can't outshine. You have to work as a team. Yeah, it's about teamwork, and that shows in our corporate culture as well. So I guess as I grow older, I realized that, yeah, there are all these additional layers. Like, you have to think, like, okay, so this guy's representing this trait upfront. But who is he, actually? So let's wait a few more meetings, you know, to actually see how he really is.
I guess time can tell. So that you can see the way they interact with others as well. For me, I can be very friendly with everyone, you know. But for someone to really be my friend, or rather, I consider them as a real friend, it's only after quite a period of time. I obviously don't let them know, but for me, it can be a few weeks to a month or more, yeah. Maybe, like, after many meetings, you know, and then I really consider the person as my friend, and I really truly care about them.
Darryl
So how do you know it’s time to consider the person as your FRIEND?
Frederick
How do I know? I guess I don't really know. Okay to me, I guess it's very simple. It is someone who is able... I treat it like a relationship. So it's someone who is able to give back as much as I give out, and on top of that also, they must have something really unique and desirable that I really want to have around me. Like for example, they are very industrious. Then I'm really... this guy is crazy, you know, or his discipline is crazy, or they have a combination of all these, then to me, I really want to be friends with this guy. I want to learn how he does that. Yeah, I want to learn, like, how does he wake up at 5am every morning, and then he sleeps at 6pm you know, like, the natural Circadian rhythm. These people, like you know, the ones that are out of the ordinary.
At Split Arenas, we believe professional communication should be rooted in personal stories. When we look at the words people use, and the stories behind those words, we understand who they are, and we can build better relationships. To learn more about what we do, click here. If you wish to experience this conversation, where you’ll discover a word that means a lot to you and the stories/memories behind that word, book an appointment here.