What does “Expectations” mean for Esther?
Esther is Director and Integrated Communications Lead at the Singapore arm of a global networked marcomms agency. She supports brands and firms across APAC, EMEA and beyond in their go-to-market and reputation strategies.
Audio is not available for this episode.
When we use language, we often mean different things because of different life experiences and life stories.
Darryl Lim: Let’s talk about your definition of EXPECTATIONS.
Esther Ng: Okay. I feel like in the context of what we're talking about, the different kinds of expectations in friendships, right? I feel like the reason a lot of people can come across as potentially transactional is probably because they have already made a conscious decision to approach certain friendships in a certain way. I feel like a lot of people have been increasingly quite intentional about where they want to spend their energy. It comes from a place of past experiences right, where everybody has had their fair share of like different kinds of friendships and different kinds of experiences. So not to say that I think friendships should be conditional and calculated, but I feel like on many occasions, people have taken on that approach, so that they can be more meaningful about – okay, where do they really allocate their energy? How do they make sure they are channelling their energy towards avenues that will give back and be reciprocal in that sense? So I feel like a lot of it is really kind of like a pre-made decision. When people approach friendships that way, which I don’t think is a good or bad thing. I just feel like that probably is the case in many scenarios.
Darryl Lim: But what about yourself? How do you approach expectations?
Esther Ng: I definitely would say I have some level of that intentionality. Just because in the past, you know, I think that there have been occasions where ideally you would be super generous with your time and super generous with your energy and really just give the same amount to every person in your life. But I think it’s just very realistic that at some point during that journey you may realize that something’s got to give, you know? You can’t have everybody kind of receiving the same energy from you because then you know your energy will just be depleted. And you probably won’t have anything to give to anyone. So I feel like a certain extent, there has to be almost a conscious decision to say that you know I will still try my best with all my friendships, but it’s okay that different friendships have different kinds or levels of interactions. I guess it’s about what you seek and what you think you can also provide to the relationship. So there are friends that for example like I have very consciously decided, okay, you know, these people will be the priority and I will do everything within my power to really dedicate as much time and energy to them. Just because I think there is that mutual understanding that okay, we’re at that level that we are supporting each other in a very… beneficial? No, not beneficial, but we’re supporting each other in a very kind of like… a very mutually understood way. You realise that okay, this is somebody that I want to continue nurturing as a friend. So I would say, yeah, there are instances like that. There are instances where maybe with some friends, I felt, okay, this is actually more like energy-draining, right? So, I will still be around. I will still support, but some of those friends, I guess it will be intuitive not to allocate as much energy. I think at the end of the day it’s all really about energy management.
Darryl Lim: It’s interesting that you started off with this word “expectations”, and then we start to hear “intention” quite a lot. You seem to have a kind of intentionality when approaching such a topic. Would you like to say more about “INTENTIONALITY”?
Esther Ng: So I don’t think most people start off that way just because in your younger years, you’re still exploring, right? You’re discovering. I think a lot of people are still trying out different ways to connect with people and different ways to kind of like find their own identity. But I feel like at a certain point, you start to get a bit of a sense, you know, what your identity is. You know what really is something that is within your capacity to provide, let’s say, as a friend or as a partner. What is really something… what are your needs as well. Because I think there are times earlier on in your life where maybe you haven’t figured out what your needs are, so you are just trying everything… you are just trying to find something that sticks, and then just exploring but because of that, maybe then it's not authentic, right? Maybe you’re not really being honest about what your needs are. And number two, it’s definitely a sure-way to burn out and have your energy depleted [without intentionality]. So I think it’s very much like along the way when you have somewhat a sense of identity and what your needs are, then it’s very much like… you can still be a very generous person with your energy, but you would then be able to make an informed choice, that this is the kind of approach you want to take. This is about meeting your needs, and this is also what you feel you can realistically offer in terms of what you put out there.
Darryl Lim: You repeated word energy quite a bit. What does ENERGY mean for you, especially in this context?
Esther Ng: I think energy is very much about just making sure that you keep your tank filled enough so that you can… how should I put it? It’s keeping your tank filled enough so that you can be a better support to what you want to actually focus on. So I give you an example. Let’s say I think energy management is very important not just in personal life but also at work. So you know at work in my team, we’re always talking about time management, especially for people who are just starting out their careers. I think they find it hard because you know the to-do list just keeps growing right, and there’s always something that’s urgent. There’s always something that needs to be prioritized. So a big focus is time management. But my opinion, which I’ve also shared with my team, is that beyond that, what’s more important is energy management. Because if you are in your head thinking that all of these have to be dedicated the exact same amount of energy at the exact same time, there is a chance you might just get derailed from everything. You know, I think it’s also about like prioritizing energy in terms of what really is the key. What is something that you feel like you have purpose in doing? What is something that you feel is more motivational? Maybe using that as energy to fuel the rest of your task. So I always tell my team like there’s this quadrant model we refer to: which is kind of like – is it urgent and important, is it urgent but not important, or is important but not urgent, or is it neither important nor urgent? And sometimes people use that as a time management model to decide like okay, how should they approach this task? The fact is that I don’t think you can just give your energy like everywhere at all times.
Darryl Lim: How did you arrive at such a complex and intricate kind of relationship with energy?
Esther Ng: I would say it’s a very intrinsic part of me, but I will also say that it is a very relatively new intrinsic part of me. Because as I was saying, when I was younger I didn’t really see things that way. I didn’t really have that sort of concept in mind. So it was just like – do as much as possible, try to give your energy everywhere at all times, but I feel like that not only made me extremely… when you’re dividing yourself into too many pieces, I feel like in fact, you cannot give as much as you should to the people or the projects or things – you cannot give as much as you actually would like to, so I feel like sometimes it was a bit compromising, because after all you realise we are human beings, we don’t have limitless energy, so it was only after a very specific and conscious thought process, that I was like okay, you know, I cannot possibly be like this all the time. I should find an approach where I’m really very clear-headed about what I should be allocating my energy to and sometimes it’s about finding the right pockets of time to channel the energy towards something. Maybe, at this point in time, let’s just say if I was going to have a kid, you know something’s got to give. I know that I won’t be able to dedicate the same amount of time and energy to work, for example, because ultimately, I will prirotize to say that, okay, it’s not for everyone, but for me, family, and having the time to raise a kid would be important for me. And that’s where I’ll make a very conscious decision that that’s where my energy will go and because it is so intentional, then I’ll be very at peace with it. If like someone at work says like, oh how come you’re not really dedicating as much time, it will be so clear to me that it’s because I made a choice. It’s not just something that’s out of my control.
Darryl Lim: Why is being in control so important for you?
Esther Ng: Because I think like otherwise you might just be a bit lost. You know, either you might end up feeling a bit lost or the way that you approach things that should deserve your attention… will also possibly be diluted or affected. It’s not to say that everything in life has to be within your control, but I think being able to be aware of like why you’re making the decisions that you make is very important.
Darryl Lim: Were there specific personal experiences that got you to this particular view of expectations, intentionality, energy, and control?
Esther Ng: Something that comes to mind is a group of friends in JC that I think I got into a very natural sort of clique with them but as time passed, I really felt like actually I don’t really fit into the clique, and it became a bit of a chore, you know, but beyond being a chore, I also kind of felt like I was faking who I am to stay in the clique. And there will be days when it’s very clear that there’s just a disconnect. I mean, they probably felt it too. I very very sure that they felt it too. But I was trying my hardest to just stay in it for the sake of it. So that will kind of lead me to do some things that on hindsight are a bit cringe-worthy. Like I’m going out of my way to be a certain person, and it felt inauthentic. It felt like that is not me. Like why am I talking like this? Why am I doing things like that? And I think that had a ripple effect not just on what my sense of identity was at that time. It definitely felt very messy. You know, I felt like I had no identity. I had a very confused identity. And I came across as really fake to them too. So that’s one example, but I think there have been a few scenarios like that where then it really just makes me think like not everything needs to be something that you can solve. Not every group of people will be the right group of people for you, so I think from there that’s probably where the seeds were planted, where I was like okay, you know what, I don’t have to be like this. In fact, it might be a win-win situation for everyone if I could just be more like true to self and just be very intentional about who I am.
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